This will be short... I think... Haven't posted anything in a while, and I have been crazy busy. This holiday season has been the most stressful I can recall in a number of years. I'm stretched just as thin as I think I possibly can be... physically, financially, and even spiritually. I am worn and tired... It is December 20th and I have not purchased a single Christmas gift... Bills are piling up and my energy and determination are waning... I did manage to get a few bucks to put in the bank so tomorrow bills will be paid... still have to work out Christmas gifts for the kids though.
On top of all of this, my parents have been driving me crazy about Christmas... when are we coming over?... when are we going to do "our" Christmas?... my mom has called me countless times pushing the issue and just about driving me to my breaking point. All I can think about is what I absolutely HAVE to do... TODAY! I can't possibly wrap my head around tomorrow, much less next week. Why on earth does she keep calling and pushing for the details of a Christmas I've done basically nothing, thus far, to prepare for?
The requests and demands have been overwhelming and I feel like I'm going to explode... or implode... something has got to give. My dad even asked me if I could sign a Christmas card for him with sign language... he literally wanted me to draw the hand signs for sign language for the signature on his card. I did not even know how to respond... he's asked about it more than one. I don't know how to make it more clear that I do not possess the artistic skills it would take to accurately, and intricately, draw tiny pictures of hands in various and contorted positions. And, once again, I feel like I've let him down.
To add to the crazy request of drawing sign language, and my mom's incessant inquiries about "our" Christmas, she even had the nerve to suggest that we have "our" Christmas on Monday... that's two days early and I haven't purchased or wrapped a single gift! What on earth is going through her mind. She calls frequently and chatters about this and that while I'm trying my best to trudge through the absolute, "must do" items on my never ending "to do list".
Then she said something odd... she said "I know I've added to your stress about Christmas and I'm sorry. I will make you this promise... I promise I won't do it next year".....
I left those words sink in... "I promise I won't do it next year"........
My parents are 79 and 80 years old... it dawned on me, rather suddenly, that there is the real possibility one or both of them could not be here for Christmas next year. So many of my friends on Facebook have posted lately about missing their parents this holiday season... their parents who have either recently, or not so recently, passed away.
I don't know when, exactly, my parents got old. But they did... they shuffle slowly from room to room... repeat things (again and again)... argue about the mundane, unnecessary things. They call me, often, with conversations that begin with "I know you're really busy, but....." I am asked to come over at the drop of a hat to fix their DVR, change a light bulb or battery, or move the refrigerator away from the wall so they can unplug it (don't ask)....
I get frustrated and annoyed... but today, it occurred to me that while I'm just now catching on to the fact that they are in their twilight years, they've been aware of it for some time... Is it lonely or scary to be at that point in your life? I don't know. I don't know what they reflect on, what they regret, or what they wouldn't change for anything. I do know that they are reaching out... in the ways they know how... for contact... for interaction with me and with my kids...
I'm still stressed, overwhelmed, and exhausted. That hasn't changed. But I sincerely hope and pray that I will find the patience and understanding to be there for them with a joyful heart and gratitude simply for them... they are here today. That is all we are guaranteed. Tomorrow is anybody's guess.
So while I'm weary, sleep deprived, and emotionally bare... I am going to bed. I am going to sleep now. I hope, and I pray that I wake tomorrow with a new found appreciation and abundant gratitude for my mom and dad. I don't know if we will have Christmas with them next year, so I am going to do all that I can to enjoy this Christmas with them...
I would encourage you all to reflect on the things you may be taking for granted... even the things that are currently driving you mad....